Gratitude

Hello Everyone,

Last Tuesday I taught on 'Gratitude' at Celebrate Recovery. A few people came up to me and asked for the poem, some others asked what scriptures I used from the teaching, and some, like my parents, were unable to make it that evening.

Here it is... take what you need from it and enjoy.

The teaching began with a video from the CR teen program 'The Landing' called 'Thank You God':

I was all dressed up in office clothes, the way I used to look, when I went to work downtown many moons ago. As I spoke, I replaced those clothes one by one with the clothes I wear to work now (Rubber boots, Sudbury dinner jacket, toque and gloves). There was a reason for it... keep reading to the end... the answer lies there.

"Those who mutter, miss what matters!" I began with a quote (from Pastor Rob at North Ridge when he spoke on "Search and Rescue Training" a few weeks ago, see here to  listen to that sermon). Then I continued with a poem by an unknown author. A friend of mine gave me this poem, when we were teenagers, and I've kept it all these years. 

Forgive Me When I Whine

Today upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,

I envied her, she seemed so gay and wished I was so fair.

  When suddenly she rose to leave, she hobbled down the isle,

She had one leg and wore a crutch, but as she passed a smile.

Oh God forgive me when I whine, I have two legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy, the lad who sold it had such charm.

I talked with him, he seemed so glad, if I were late, it'll do no harm.

And as I left, he said to me "Thank-you, you have been so kind.

It's nice to talk with folks like you, because you see, I'm blind."

Oh God forgive me when I whine, I have two eyes, the world is mine.

Later, while walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue.

He stood and watched the others play, he did not know what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join the others dear?"

He looked ahead without a word and then I knew he couldn't hear.

Oh God forgive me when I whine, I have two ears the world is mine.

With feet to take me where to go

With eyes to see the sunset glow

With ears to hear what I should know

Oh God forgive me when I whine, I'm blessed indeed!

The world is mine.

Author Unknown

Principle 7:

We need to reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for our life and to gain the power to follow His will.

Colossians 3:16 (NIV)

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.

or another translation (NCV) says:

Let the teaching of Christ live in you richly.

What does this look like for you? We all have very busy schedules, and I know it's hard to take some time, daily, to spend time with God. But how does spending time in Gods word, help us to see things a little differently than we normally would?

Let's take a look at His word and see:

Psalm 119:129-130 (NCV)

Your rules are wonderful,

that's why I keep them.

Learning your words give wisdom,

and understanding for the foolish.

Taking the time out of our  busy schedule to be with God helps us to focus on what He needs us to do, to become the person He created us to be.

Step 11:

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.

So what is prayer  and meditation? Are they both the same thing?

When I first started on this journey of healing, I thought prayer and meditation meant the same thing, but they don't.

Prayer = talking to God

Meditation = listening to God

You are Gods handiwork, His creation.

How do you know what you were made for unless you have a relationship with your creator? He has your owners manual and He would love to talk to you about the operating procedures.

I'd like us to focus our prayers of gratitude in four area's of our life:

1) Towards God

2) Towards Others

3) Towards our Recovery

4) Towards our Church

(This is where I took off my shoes and replaced them with very muddy bog boots).

I like to do things backwards sometimes, so I began with 'the church'. Save the best for last!

"I must admit," I said, "I have had a tough time with the church. And there were times that I just didn't see the importance of 'the church'." I am an introvert, and I feel very awkward in social settings, always have. It's uncomfortable, and when things 'feel' uncomfortable, as a co-dependent, I avoid it.

It seems a few people 2000 years ago, felt the same as I do, because in Hebrews 10:25 it says,"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another."

How can I find encouragement or give encouragement if I am avoiding?

God has given each of us great gifts - each of us different and unique for a reason. Each of us is a different part of the body of Christ. A finger doesn't work by itself, it's part of a hand, attached to an arm, etc...

We are mediocre at best on our own, but we are great when we are together with the body of Christ. We need each other, it's how we were made. 

We need to be thankful for the role of the church in our lives, because it's a place where we can find a safe environment that offers encouragement, love and acceptance.

(This was where I took off my Office Jacket and put on my Sudbury Dinner Jacket).

Next, is to be thankful for our recovery.

Hebrews 12:1(NCV)

We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way and the sin that so easily holds us back.

Let us be grateful for those people here at Celebrate Recovery who have reached out and encouraged us... loved us, unconditionally without judgement.

Let us be grateful for the progress we've made since we first started healing from our hurts, habits and hang-ups.

There may have been times along this road of recovery when we have fallen and taken a step back. But, we got back on our feet and started walking on that road of healing again. We didn't give up. Be grateful for that. We are still on our feet... running that race and moving forward!

(This was when I put on my toque). 

Next, is to be thankful for others.

Colossians 3:15-16 (NCV)

Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking because you were all created together in one body to have peace. Always be thankful. Let the teaching of Christ live in you richly. Use all wisdom to teach and instruct each other by singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

I am guilty for taking people for granted and I am guilty for not appreciating them as I should have.

We need to be grateful to others. Those special people who walked along side of us on our road to recovery. Those who have loved us, taught us and counseled us. Without these people in our lives, life would get pretty cold out there, disoriented and lonely. With out others we could possibly find ourselves... lost.

I was going to show this video next, for a little lighthearted look at why it's important to be a part of a small group. However, I couldn't find it on the CR "The Landing" programing and I didn't have enough time to download from the Skit Guys site to the CR media on time for last Tuesday. I found it on YouTube. Enjoy!

Did you know that prayer, reading our Bibles, having help and encouragement from others, and telling our stories can help us avoid the mistake of slipping back into what we feel is more comfortable? In other words... a relapse.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18(NCV)

Always be joyful. Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus."

In my Women Of Faith Bible, one of the writer's paraphrased this scripture and I wanted to share that with you.

Be joyful always, even when you do not feel like it. Pray continually, never stop; and keep seeking God's heart and direction. Thank Him in the good, the bad, and even the ugly. Give thanks no matter what happens.

How is it possible to give thanks in all circumstances?

Does God want us to give thanks even in the middle of bad situations? How do we do that?

There have been times, in my life, when I have found it very difficult to be grateful to God. There have been times within the last 6 months, where I have not been joyful... even if I didn't feel like it.

- This summer I almost burned my house down, see my Wild West Diaries entry, "Casa del pollo fuego".

- I had ants in my kitchen, in Biblical proportions. For more on that story, you can read it here.

- We had slashed tires.

- My youngest daughter suffered from migraines.

- I have had issues with arthritis.

- Financial issues. 

And finally, I went from Accounts Receivables Clerk for Transat Holiday and Nolitours - staying at 5 star all inclusive hotels.... to... Poop shoveler at a horse/riding stables.

(Then I pointed at my old clothes, laying on a chair beside me).

"How did I get from that... to this?" I pointed to my barn clothes on me, "and why in the world would God allow that to happen?"

Those questions and more raced through my mind last Wednesday after a Appaloosa Pony named Prancer kicked me. Later that day as I nursed the horse shoe imprint on my upper thigh, I questioned why? Why am I here... in this place of my life... at 46 years of age. And I cried. Not because of the black and blue hoof print, but because I felt defeated. I was unhappy.

"How am I supposed to speak on gratitude next week?"  I thought to myself. I had the phone in my hand to contact Carol and Barry (The Leaders of CR), and to tell them, I couldn't do it. Then my daughter came home from school. She gave me a hug... then backed off with a look of disgust and said, "Mom, you stink!" Shoveling poop does that to a person. I put the phone down and went to take a shower.

I thought back to my office days and I slowly began to remember how unhappy I was back then. I left the house at 6AM and wasn't back until 7:30PM. I missed my girls. There were mornings when I would cry all the way to the train station. There were days , especially when the kids were sick, that I couldn't focus and concentrate on my job. I just wanted to be home with my girls.

Then I realized something... I may stink... but my kids can hug me when they get home from school. I am there in the morning for them and I am there in the afternoon and evening.

This is the reason why I can say, "Thank-you God!"

But wait there's more...

I took a look back into my old journals and I found something I'd like to share with you.

02nd April, 2008

...if I could do anything with my life? What would that look like? I would write stories, and tell stories like you did Lord. I want to inspire people to be who you created them to be.

Guess what? Today I write 4 blogs:

- Heart to Heart with Mary and Martha

- Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

- Wild West Diaries

- Deeds For Needs (as of today has had 18, 307 page views.  My first post called "Too Busy" in Oct 2009 only had 2 page views).

This is the reason why I can say, "Thank-you God!"

But wait there's more...

I also wrote back in 2008, that I wanted to teach kids. I wanted to build up their self-confidence, so they would become strong leaders in their communities. To teach them, that no matter how tough life gets... they are loved. 

This is what I wrote:

Just watched my neighbour throwing her daughter up in the air. She's having a blast - both of them are.

I remembered when our girls were that age and the trust they had in us. Remembering the joy as we threw them up in the air. They trusted Rene and I to catch them, and we did, each and every time. They were able to let go and enjoy the moment.

When during their lives into adulthood do they stop trusting us and begin to question? Worries and fear slither and worm there way into our children's lives and they follow in our footsteps. Become addicted to alcohol, drugs, approval or bling... or worse yet, they become depressed and suicidal.

How do we prevent this from happening to our children?

What happened? We stopped trusting our father's... we stopped trusting God.

God has put me in a position at Celebrate Recovery to be a leader of children. I am the children's leader and every Tuesday night I teach the same things their parents are learning that night. I plant God's seeds to teach them that they do not have to follow in their parents footsteps. There are other ways to deal with their hurts, habits and hang-ups.

This is the reason why I can say, "Thank-you God!"

But wait... there's more...

Back then I wrote:

I just went to a Women of Faith Conference. It was amazing! I heard God speak to me as Nicole Johnson did a skit and spoke up on stage. He said to me, "This is what I want you to do Anuschka."

Now, it may not have been a Women of Faith Conference... but last Tuesday I was up on stage speaking. For a very shy person, who used to hate making eye contact with people... well...

This is the reason why I can say, "Thank-you God!"

But wait... there's more...

I just read an article about Child Psychology and Newfoundland dogs. The therapist writing the article explained how for months he couldn't get through to this young boy who had been mentally and physically abused for years. His neighbour was a Newfoundland breeder and some of his dogs were trained therapy dogs. The therapist brought one of the dogs to work with him and within five minutes the boy opened up and began his journey of healing.

Lord, I want to bring animals and kids together in a place where they can learn, grow, and heal together. Where animals that have been abused and kids that are hurting can come together in a safe, loving place of healing. Where kids learn to take care of something, learn to teach, learn to become pack-leaders and learn to love. Helping animals to heal as they heal.

Huh?

(Then I pointed to the old me... on the chair beside me).

That self over there, was mostly depressed.

That self over there put on a lot of masks to hide behind, because she was afraid all the time,

That self over there, wasn't genuine.

That self over there, would never have been able to handle an ornery horse who kicked, let alone and angry child who's been abused and is kicking and screaming to be loved.

Guess What!

1. I am home with my children

2. I am writing stories

3. I am leading kids

4. I am learning a lot about animals, barn management, and being a pack-leader... because, isn't that what I wanted to teach the kids?

I am exactly in the place where God wants me to be.

This is the reason why I can say, "Thank-you God!"

(This was where I got a harness and a rope out of the bag).

We humans have such a limited view, as to how our dreams come true.

(This was where I clicked my tongue as if I were calling a horse in. My dog Angel came in and up on stage with me).

"So, how many of you thought a horse was coming through that door?" I asked.

God brings things into our lives that are unexpected. Following God does that. We have a limited view and God is full of surprises. But what He does bring onto our path is good.

"Angel here, is a well-behaved, and obedient dog, who is very focused on her pack-leaders". Lucky for me, although Angel was nervous last Tuesday she did behave on stage. 

"I am one of Angel's pack-leaders. I love her. I treat her well. I lead her. I teach her. Guess what? God loves you way more than I love my dog. he loves you unconditionally, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can not earn His love... it is there, always.

Isn't that something to be thankful for?

So what are you focused on?

The world? It's problems? Your problems? Or a God who is there to love you, to teach you and to lead you out of the dark places along your path?

Then I ended with Paul's prayer to the Philippians:

Philippians 1:9-11(NCV)

This is my prayer for you, that your love will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge and understanding with your love; that you will see the difference between good and bad and you will choose the good; that you will be pure and without wrong for the coming of Christ; that you will be filled with the good things produced in your life by Christ to bring glory and praise to God.

That's when the Celebration Station kids came up with Barry and they sang, "You Lead" by Jamie Grace.

Thanks to:

- God

- Everyone who is a part of this journey with me 

- Angel my dog and Rene my husband for bringing her

- The Kids, Barry and Lorne at CR

- Prancer and the barn

- You Tube

- Skit Guys

- The Landing Programs

- Celebration Station Programs

- Celebrate Recovery Leader's Guide and Bible (NIV)

- Jamie Grace "You Lead"

- Woman of Faith Bible (NCV)

- The Unknown Poet
- Pastor Rob and my family at North Ridge

Can You Hear it?

I got a book last month for Christmas, from my daughter. It's called "Where There is Love There is God" by Mother Teresa. I was reading it in bed a few weeks ago and the strangest thing happened. I could hear my heart beat through my pillow.
The pulse in my neck moved the lower lobe of my ear gently on the pillow. That rubbing motion caused the sound. I don't know about you, but I've never heard my heart beat without a stethoscope before.
I began to experiment a little and I noticed when I applied more pressure and leaned into the pillow a little harder the sound disappeared. I tried to get that perfect angle of neck and ear lobe again, but couldn't find it, and I never heard my heart beat again that evening.
Then a thought appeared. I realized that as of late, I have been walking around with a lot of pressure in my life. Finances, job search, kids, household, family, etc...

Pressure enough to put pain in my chest.
Pressure enough to harden my heart.

Then that still small voice revealed, "You carry the worlds pressures around. Let them Go. Give them to me."

When the world's pressures get too big, I don't hear God's voice, and I don't hear what He wants me to do next.

I want to share with you what I was reading that night in Mother Teresa's book:

Something Beautiful for God
This love that we have for our people is a gift, for Jesus said, "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers, you did it to me." We are with the least all the time. When you give a glass of water, you give it to Jesus. He claims it.... I remember last time we picked up one man from the street; he was full of worms. I asked one sister, "How can he go to heaven like that?" We started pulling the worms out one by one. We removed everything. 
I asked him, "Do you want God's blessing by which your sins are forgiven?" Something came out, sunshine, perfect joy. Something spiritual happened to him and after 15 minutes he died, without worms. One beautiful thing: no complaints, no words, he accepted. You could see his pain, but not a sound of complaint.
Pray that we may not spoil God's work - to help people to remove their worms.

God spoke to me that evening, through the pillow and through Mother Teresa's words. Sometimes, God works that way. Now, I may not be called to remove physical worms from individuals, but I am called to help Him remove the darkness. I can't do that when I'm under pressure, when I don't let go.

God is at work to bring His glory, His beauty back into the world. We are called to help Him.

John 1:4-5 (NCV)
"In him there was life, and that life was the light of all people. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it."

If you'd like to learn more about hearing God, here are a few links:

Sermon "Hearing God" by David Jonsson North Ridge Church

Sermon "Surprise Beginnings" by Rob Buzza North Ridge Church

Book by Loren Cunningham "Is that really you God?"


Thanks to:
- The devotional Bible for Women - Women of Faith.
- The book "Where there is love, There is God" - Mother Teresa.
- North Ridge for the sermons... Thanks Rob and David for sharing.
- bookjem.com for the photo.

Forgiveness

Last month I was privileged to teach the lesson of 'Forgiveness' at a Celebrate Recovery evening at MRBC. There were some people who weren't able to make it that evening. They really wanted to be there, but due to sickness were unable to attend, and there were others who were there and asked if I could send them my notes.

For those who asked, here is the teaching from that evening.

I began with a skit on what it looks like when we live in an unforgiven state. Although, I don't have a video of me doing that skit, I have found the skit on YouTube.

This skit may have caused some tension or discomfort in some of you. I know it made me feel quite uncomfortable the 1st time I saw it.

The purpose of it was to give you a visual of what unforgiveness looks like. Over time, I have come to realize that it's in these uncomfortable moments that God makes real change occur; and sometimes we need discomfort to get deep within to find who He created us to be.

Unforgiveness binds us up. However, even though we are bound, we can still put up a facade. We can make ourselves 'look' pretty in dark times (this is where I had Krista wrap Christmas garland around me).

We put on a smile, even when we want to cry.
We say, "I'm fine," even when we are angry.
We may 'look' pretty on the outside, but we're still very much tied up underneath.

FORGIVENESS

Principle 6 says, "We must evaluate all our relationships. Offer forgiveness to all who have hurt us and make amends for harm we have done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others."

"Happy are the merciful" (Matt 5:7)

"Happy are the peacemakers" (Matt 5:9)

Step 8 says, "We need to make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends."

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:31)

Step 9 says, "We need to make amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the alter and remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the alter. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift." (Matt 5:23-24)

Tonight I'll be talking about 3 different kinds of forgiveness:

1) The forgiveness that God extends to us.

2) The forgiveness that we extend to those who have hurt us.

3) The forgiveness we must ask others whom we have hurt and to forgive ourselves.

I'd like to share with you a quote by John Baker, that I read as I prepared for tonight. He said, "If God wasn't willing to forgive, heaven would be empty." I thought about how empty my life would be if I didn't forgive those who have hurt me.

Forgiveness is letting go.

If I hold on to pain

If I hold on to anger

If I hold on to resentments

If I hold on to disappointments in myself/in others

I stay tied up on the inside and on the outside. You see when I'm tied up in unforgiveness, my hands are bound. They can't reach out to others. I'm stuck. I'm alone. I'm lonely, and I make more pain for myself.

If we want to be completely free from resentments, anger, fear, shame and guilt we need to give and accept forgiveness in all areas of our lives. If we don't our recovery will be stalled and incomplete.

It would be like swimming in a mud puddle. Even though clear raindrops are falling on you, like little seeds of light and hope. You are still choosing to swim around in the mud, instead of choosing to swim to shore and walking out.

How do we get out of the mud?

By choosing to get out!

I've spoken with the kids at Celebration Station on the challenges of forgiveness. One of our lessons in our curriculum was to make a list of all the people who have hurt us since our birth. My list was longer than theirs. Go figure?

We went through the list and crossed off all the people we already forgave, except the ones where we said, "Yeah, I forgive, but..." You see, when there's a 'but' attached, you haven't truly forgiven them.

Then we took a look at Luke 7:44-47.

"Then Jesus turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? When I came into your house, you gave me no water for my feet, but she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You gave me no kiss of greeting, but she has been kissing my feet since I came in. You did not put oil on my head, but she poured perfume on my feet. I tell you that her many sins are forgiven, so she showed great love. But the person who is forgiven only a little will love only a little."

Simon didn't give his ALL. He held back. He had little love. The woman gave everything she had, her ALL. She showed Jesus great love.

It's about attitude. Our humble and honest attitude. When we hold up walls around our hearts. When we're all tied up, we don't give our ALL. We don't show great love.

Jesus tells us that our scattered bits and pieces are just not sufficient.

Forgive with our whole being

Love with our whole being

Otherwise, we end up with only a little

Sometimes, the problem with "giving it our all", when it comes to forgiveness, is because we are addicted to feeling good, and we may think that everything needs to 'feel good' in order to do it.

"I know I've got to forgive, but it hurts! I don't feel like it."

This type of attitude binds us up.

"We need to do, what we know we should do even when we don't feel like it!"

Joyce Meyers

Loving the people who have hurt us unconditionally is a very big challenge, but God commands us to do it.

"Which is the most important command?" Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the greatest commandment. The second most important is similar. Love your neighbour as much as you love yourself." (Matt 22:36-40)

But... How can we love and forgive others if we don't love and forgive ourselves?

No matter how unloved or worthless you may feel about yourself, did you know that God loves you? He made us in His image. He doesn't create junk! Your feelings about yourself does not change His love for you. He has already forgiven you, way before you were even born.

It's up to you to accept it or not. You have a choice.

Now, self forgiveness is not a matter of assigning the blame to someone else and letting yourself off the hook. It's not a licence for irresponsibility either. It's just an acknowledgement that you are human like everyone else and that you've reached a stage in your life where you are able to give yourself greater respect.

When you forgive yourself and others, you won't change your past, but you will change your future. God will enable us to do what He has called us to do. Remember that He has forgiven us first and He asks us to follow Him into freedom.

This path is a difficult one and sometimes it won't 'feel' good and there will be times on this road of forgiveness where we will need to stop and ask someone we trust for some help. Sometimes we will need to ask them to untie us (this was where I asked Krista to help me out of the straight jacket).

Forgiving sets us free.

Isaiah 1:18-19 shows us what God wants to do with the darkness in our lives.

"Come, let's talk this over! says the Lord; no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool! If you will only let me help you."

Becoming un-bound not only leaves our hands free to reach out to others, but it also frees us to accept the gift of a helping hand and God's gift of mercy.

There's a song by the sidewalk prophets that recently came out and it made a great impact on me. The chorus goes;

I am the thorn in your crown

I am the sweat from your brow

I am the nail in your wrist

Yes, I am Judas' kiss

Each of us, in our own ways, have taken this beautiful gift of life and at times have turned it into something ugly.

We are the thorn in God's life - When we react with fear, bitterness and resentment.

We are the sweat on God's brow - When we run around in circles, doing the same thing over and over again. Staying tied up, not learning, not trusting. Swimming in the mud.

We are the nail in God's wrist - When we react with anger and violence.

We are Judas' kiss - When betray, when we lie.

We are all these things to God when we don't live our lives for what He created us for. But, you see, the song doesn't end there:

But you love me anyways

It's like nothing in life that I've ever known

Yes, you love me anyway

Oh, Lord, how you love me, how you love me

God knew his creation would disappoint Him, but he had a plan. Because He loves us anyways, He sent us a great gift. The gift of His son, to teach us, to heal us and to save us. This gift comes freely. He just asks us to love Him, to trust Him and He asks us to love like Him; no matter what pain we may have caused others/ourselves or what pain they have caused us.

Mercy means getting something we don't deserve. Mercy is the gift God 1st gave us.

As we head into Christmas this week, as we celebrate the birth of God's son, I pray that you find yourself unbound and reaching out to give others the gift that God 1st gave us.

Give mercy to those who have hurt you.

Give forgiveness and "love them anyways".

Thanks to:

YouTube for both videos

Sidewalk Prophets "You love me anyways"

Pastor ddromberger "Forgiveness" skit

Joyce Meyer for the quote

John Baker and the Celebrate Recovery leader's Guide and Celebration Station curriculum 

Why Don't I Get Any Reception?

"Hello?"
"Heeelllooo?"
"HELLOOOO?"
"Great! No reception."

Has this ever happened to you? You take a step into another room and your call gets dropped or you can't even make a call because there's just no cell reception?
Physically, this happens to us all the time, but what about spiritually? Did you ever feel disconnected from God? I have and it's not pleasant. So, why do we lose reception? Is it Gods fault for not building enough towers, therefore causing poor reception? Or is it our fault for not having the proper equipment (or the proper attitude) to take His call? 

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!" (NIV)
Isaiah 30:18

Some versions say that "The Lord God is waiting to show you how kind He is"... and that, "... blessed are all those who trust or long for Him."
So, if I understand this correctly, he is not pushing his calls on us, and he doesn't work in a busy call centre, selling himself and his products around dinner time. He's waiting for us to call him, the line is open, He is waiting... we have to make the first move to trust him.

So, what if you do trust? What if you have prayed and you are still having difficulties with the connection? What then? 

Maybe we're a little crabby and need an attitude adjustment? Maybe we're a little rusty and can't remember how to call on Him? Maybe we're too far away? Too self focused and can't hear anyone else, just our own voice? Whatever the reason, we need to make the adjustment, because Gods line is always open.

"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” 
Isaiah 30:21

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Excerpt from the book 'Holes In My Gas Tank'

It’s funny how you know at a very young age what you should become when you grow up. Does God instill that passion, or is it part of our DNA make-up?

 I loved getting dressed up in costume and putting on plays or ‘Shows’ for my parents and their friends at dinner parties. The rest of the cast (kids) and I would arrange a story to tell; get dressed in mom and dads old clothes then act out our story on a make believe stage.

 Grade school was similar, my friends and classmates and I would write out plays, practice and then act them out in front of the class. I loved going to school because of this, until second grade.

 A horrible thing happened to me and the incident became the downfall of my acting career. I know, grade two may seem a little young to think about a career change, or a career for that matter, but in the course of a few months, a deep sense of shame was thrust upon me that second year of grade school, and my first reaction was to run. I ran and gave up on my dream.

 I portrayed the head of the household, a.k.a. father, in our little play at school and my friend was the family dog. Our Teacher loved the play so much that she asked us to perform it on the Big Stage for the rest of the school at the next assembly.

 Tensions were high among my fellow actors; nerves were drawn tight that fateful morning of our début.

 “What was my line again?” the dog asked.

 “You don’t have any, stupid! You’re the DOG!” my fellow patriot in the arts cried out. She was practicing and getting into ‘character’ for her maternal portrayal of the lady pack leader and mother.

 It was organized chaos behind the curtain before our first scene. A hush fell among the artists as the curtain slowly opened. There was a momentary pause and then the scene began. The first half of the show went well. We all knew it. A pride set in. Perhaps we got a little cocky? That’s why the second act went awry. We got sloppy.

 Scene 2, second act; the dog had to jump up onto the pack leader. That happened to be me. I wasn’t paying attention. I was looking out into the crowd. Looking for the familiar faces of my friends. Looking for approval.

I saw her, the dog, come at me from the corner of my eye. I saw her too late! She couldn’t slow down. I was supposed to catch her. She lost her footing. She was about to fall off the stage when she grabbed me. She took a hold of my stretchy 1972 polyester elasticized pants when she went down.  There was no belt to hold up my pants. There were no suspenders to keep them up. The dog fell, so did my pants, in front of the whole school. I never acted again, until recently, 30 years later.

 There’s a movie called ‘The Bucket List’. I made myself a list like that after my Uncle died a few years ago. On this list was to take an Acting class. I did and I LOVED IT. It felt as if I were finally doing what God created me to do.  This was who I was, what I was meant to do all along. Write and Act. It was a revelation. How does an accounts receivables technician for the past 13 years just drop everything and take up this passion? It’s illogical to drop all and hit the thespian road. I couldn’t do it. Not yet. Money Honey. It’s what pays the bills and puts food on the table.

 “Sometimes you need to leap,” Krista, my friend advised, “You need to show God You are willing to move towards being obedient to him.”

“I can’t,” I replied, “Don’t throw away the old pair of shoes before you buy a new pair.” My parents instilled this into my being.

“I can’t just quit my job and start writing.   It’s absurd!”

 “You’ve got to trust.”

 “I don’t even know for sure it’s what God wants. What if it’s just what I want?” I knew that statement wasn’t true. Deep in my heart I knew God wanted me to write and inspire other women and help children.

 I was at a Women of Faith Conference in Vancouver when God told me what he wanted of me. I gave my life, again, to Christ there. In the midst of these hundreds of women praying and loving, unconditionally, I found Him again. And as I watched Nicole Johnson, doing a skit on stage, Gods told me, “That is what I want you to do.”

 What I told my friend and sister in Christ was a lie, I did know what God wanted of me but I was stalling. Fear held me captive; she knew it too.

 “Jump Anuschka, He will catch you.”

 “I can’t.”

This was written a few years ago and although, I haven't jumped off the edge, I have put on a harness and I am now hanging off the edge, slowly belaying my way. I'm not a blind jumper. I've come to realize that this is the way I am. I'm a slow mover, researching every aspect of something before I ease my way into it. Since I wrote those words 4 years ago, I have acted in 2 Mary and Martha plays with my friend Krista at 2 woman's retreats and I have spoken a few times at Celebrate Recovery. Sometimes, it's a slow process and I've come to realize that this is OK. It's given me time to grow and learn and it's given me time to get to know the Dream Giver a little better.

I have stopped saying, "I can't." It's changed to words like, "Maybe not now, but soon." Or, "I still need to learn a few more things before God will open up that door." And I really do, still need to learn a lot, because just the other day I slipped a bit. I took a survey. A survey on Facebook that was based on the date of my birthday and it would tell me what jobs I would be good at and what I was born to do. 

- Housekeeper (LOL!)

- Nurse

- Caregiver

- Home Decorator/Interior Designer (LOL!)

- Healer

- Nanny

Although, some items on this list are not far off from what is instinctual for me and I could see myself doing this job, I am still shaking my head as to why I took that survey in the first place. Instead of trusting God, I looked to the world to tell me what my Creator had in mind for me to do, and for just a moment (actually a few moments), I second guessed the dream. I got confused again and I wondered, "is this really what God wants me to do? Because maybe... just maybe... He really wanted me to be a Interior Designer?" 

(You can stop laughing now, Krista, Betty and Tamara! - the D4N's ladies who have had coffee at my house - they know the truth). 

Sometimes change is fast and furious,

Sometimes change takes time.

Prepare your mind for action,

Prepare your will for self-control.

Set your hope on the grace been given to you,

and be holy in all you do. (Paraphrase 1 Peter 1:13-16)

“We have not yet been shown what we will be in the future…. But… we will be like Him.” (1John 3:2).