Lord, try me and test me;
look closely into my heart and mind.
I see your love
and I live by your truth.
It has come to my attention this past week or 2, that what you think isn't always the truth. I thought I was okay. I mean, I live in a kind manner. I pray. I take care of what I need to take care of... family, animals and household. I do all this with a smile on my face and no ill feelings.
However, God showed me this week that I have been at a standstill, stagnant. I have been melancholy, and in a funk. Why would he show me this? I don't know. Maybe, he wants me to grow?
We must ask God to "examine" our minds and hearts, and to point out our bad thoughts, attitudes and ways. Exposure is difficult and causes discomfort, but how else can we change and grow to becoming a better human being? Repentance is the hurt that leads to healing.
I went recently to a Celebrate Recovery evening. I went there, not looking to help myself, but I went to see if there was information, so that I could help an alcoholic family member.
"Do you have any pamphlets for alcohol abuse?" I asked a lady who was putting away the brochures at the end of the evening. We had just finished our sharing time and she heard my story not 5 minutes earlier.
"Why?" she asked, "You are not an alcoholic."
"Yes... but my..."I started.
"This is for you." then she handed me a Codependency Brochure. I took it and shoved it in my purse after saying a hasty "Thank-you."
It's not me that has a problem. Although I know I am far from perfect. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM! I'm not an alcoholic. I don't take drugs. Nothing really bad has happened to me... no type of abuse or anything like that. I grew up in a very loving home. I have always followed the rules and I have never been drunk or caused any harm. Then I read the Compliance Patterns of a Codependent.
* Assume responsibility for Others' feelings and behaviors. (Does apologizing for someone else's rude behavior mean I do this?...... Alright.... check mark).
*Feel guilty about others' feelings and behaviors. (I guess I feel guilty if I have to apologize for it... Okay check mark).
*Have difficulty identifying what you are feeling. (Before I met God... definitely... not so much anymore).
*Are afraid of your own anger, yet sometimes erupt in rage. (I have in the past... not anymore. Just one minute....."GIRLS! STOP YOUR WHINNING I"M TRYING TO BLOG HERE! I Can't think with all that noise!..... Okay... I'm back, you know my sister just recently purchased a Wii and they have this sword fight dueling game in Wii Resort.. I whacked my sister right off the playing field and into the water... I loved it!..... okay... check mark).
*Worry about how others may respond to your feelings, opinions, and behavior. (This is the reason why I am so quiet.... It takes me years to speak out... that's why I write it all down.... check mark.)
*Have difficulty making decisions. ("So what do you want for dinner?" "I donno... what do you want?" ... okay ... check mark).
*Are afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others. (I used to be... God is a big influence in my life now that I don't fear anymore).
* Minimize, alter or deny how you truly feel. ( Yes.... check mark... but I was aware of it and I am working on it).
*Are very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. ( YES... check mark... working on it).
*Are afraid to express differing opinions or feelings. (Okay, okay, okay... Yes... YES YES! but only if it's okay with you? okay?... check mark).
*Value others opinions and feelings more than your own. (Yes... check mark).
* Put other people's needs and desires before your own. (Yes... check mark).
*Embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts. (Yes... check mark).
*Judge everything you think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough". (Working on it... check mark).
*Are a perfectionist. (Does re-loading the dishwasher for optimum use mean....?.... Okay.. check mark).
*Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. (NO!... I don't do this... phew... 1 out of 20).
*Do not ask others to meet your needs or desires. (yes... check mark).
* Compromise your own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. (Yes I have backed away from certain conversations when I should have held my ground. I avoid conflict like the black plaque..... check mark).
Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than ourselves.
I was in a funk these past 2 weeks because I was worried... I was seeking information on how I could help and change someone else's bad habits. I can't change my family member, but I can change myself. That lady at the table knew this. Codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors or things. I've got a lot to learn.
"Hi, I am a Codependent and I have a problem."
Celebrate Recovery Program
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